I've noticed lately some...irritation? ...annoyance? at the idea of being "hot" at BlogHer. Some are wondering why we women need to look better for each other, and if this was a men's conference they wouldn't be stressing out about what to wear and losing a few pounds. And they're right - women put way too much pressure on ourselves regarding our outward appearance. I can also see feeling annoyed at the idea of people trying to get thin just for an event. I get it, and even though the name of this blog is "Hot by BlogHer", I can say I agree in many ways.
I can only speak for myself, but "Hot by BlogHer" was started so that I could get healthier and hopefully gain some self-confidence, and invited others to join me as well. Yes, for me getting healthier involves losing weight, and no doctor would deny that I need to lose a little weight and exercise more to improve my cardiovascular health. And those who know me well know that I have very little self-esteem, so even a little boost in confidence can go a long way - we all know that someone who is confident and sure of herself carries herself in a way that makes her look more attractive - even "hot" - than someone who thinks they're fat and worthless, right?
The end date of BlogHer was simply a goal date when I knew I'd be in an uncomfortable situation and could really put to the test what I've accomplished. I knew I'd be dressing up, as opposed to my normal mom uniform of ripped jeans and t-shirt, and I'd want to feel comfortable in my clothes. And I knew I'd be facing lots of new people, giving any new confidence a chance to shine.
Whitney from Rookie Moms and I had an e-mail conversation about this a few months ago. (You're way ahead of your time, Whitney!) Here were her concerns: (copied with her permission)
This goal to be "Hot by BlogHer" has stirred up some weird feelings for me. I definitely support everyone taking on these challenges, and love to cheer them on, and LOVE that we can do this for each other thanks to the Internets. My "weird feelings" are that I went to a women's college (Barnard) and the thing that was cool about single-sex ed for women is that everyone - the smartest, the most ambitious, the funniest, the raunchiest, the most daredevil, every superlative superstar there was a woman. Ideally this meant that all those qualities about them stood out more than their physical appearances and that we could be more focused on those things because it was a community of only women.
I sort of have the same expectation for the BlogHer community. Like, shouldn't we be able to appreciate the best designers, most honest, clever writers,savviest entrepreneurs, etc, and not worry about impressing one another with our thinness? I'm wondering what you think about that. And "Easy for you to say, skinny bitch," is a totally acceptable answer. Am I being unrealistic about my wish? I can admit that I don't know what it's like to struggle with weight.
I'm glad that she shared her thoughts with me about it, and she makes valid points. Why do smart, educated, talented women still judge each other on our appearance? Shouldn't our talents stand out above everything else?
Here was my reply, which I still stand by and still represents why I did this in the first place:
As for the Hot by BlogHer issue, I agree with you that we shouldn't focus on physical appearance when meeting with a group of women, but from my experience it nearly always happens. When someone sees you in person for the first time, there is always an immediate snap judgment made about you, whether consciously or unconsciously, and physical appearance plays a part in that.
An example: think about if you met a woman in a business suit, with hair pulled up and natural makeup vs. a woman covered in tattoos & piercings with torn clothing, heavy eyeliner and pink, punked out hair. Dramatic example, I know, but your immediate reaction to them would probably be different. You might later find they are both business owners and have a lot in common, but there is still that first reaction, and in a room with 1000 other women, that first impression can be the difference between finding a great connection with one woman or passing her by to speak with another. We can't possibly talk to everyone at BlogHer in two short days, so we have to pick and choose, and some of that picking and choosing will be based on seeing people who "look" like they'd have something in common with you.
And of course, I think that your own reaction to your physical appearance plays a part in that, too. If you're happy with yourself, you'll make a different impression on someone than if you are self-conscious and have low self-esteem. You're also more likely to seek out more connections if you feel good about yourself.
So the Hot by Blogher idea isn't entirely about losing weight. It's about being the best "you" that you can be. If that means losing weight, great! But I'm also having Personal challenges each week, which are designed to work on self-esteem, self-fulfillment and happiness. Reading through the goal posts of many participants, thin isn't necessarily the end goal. Most want to feel their best when walking into that first morning keynote session, and if it means losing weight, buying new clothing, or finding ways to appreciate what you are good at, why not do it, right?
I totally get what you're saying, and in an ideal world, our flaws would never be held against us and we'd only be seen for our strengths. Personally, I'd like to see my "outside" match my "inside" and because some of my self-esteem is tied up in my appearance, I want to feel great when interacting with everyone this year, instead of feeling a swirling mess of insecurity on the inside the entire time I'm at BlogHer. (Which, believe it or not, is how I generally feel.)
So I guess it all comes down to the definition of hot. I DO NOT believe that hot=thin. In fact, I generally abhor the word thin - to me, it implies skinny, which I also equate with unhealthy in terms of my own body. I know I'd look ridiculous as a skinny woman. I'd be a giant pile of bones with a big head on top. To me, "hot" is more of an internal characteristic as opposed to an external one. External forces can influence that trait, but it takes the total package of looking your best and feeling your best to make it true.
(And to be completely honest, "hot" is sort of a crazy, tongue-in-cheek word for me that I still laugh at.)
I do plan to be hot by BlogHer, whatever that means. I won't be thin by any means. But I'll be healthier than I was at the beginning of March, my clothes will fit better, I'll be more confident, and I'll feel good that I met those personal goals by this end date. I'm sure many will look at me and think, "Hot? Not in my definition of the word. Keep dreaming." but if I feel good about myself, that's all I need.
And it's not like I'll be going back to binging on bags of Doritos and parking my ass on the couch all day after July 26. This is just the beginning, and I'll be setting my next personal goal after BlogHer. I don't expect this to be short-term. No, this is a long-term endeavor with several short-term goals along the way to keep me motivated.
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